Well, the big day is here. Janet Yellen will proceed to the hallowed Senate chambers and give her testimony as part of the confirmation process leading to her being named Chairman of the Federal Reserve Board of Governors.
It will be a serious and somber hearing, with piercing questions aimed at the core issues of a modern economy. Well, likely not. It will be something more akin to this.
The Fed has posted Yellen’s prepared remarks. Let’s take a peek, shall we?
Chairman Johnson, Senator Crapo, and members of the Committee, thank you for this opportunity to appear before you today.
Translation: My backers really put the knife into Summers, didn’t they!
It has been a privilege for me to serve the Federal Reserve at different times and in different roles over the past 36 years…
Translation: Like most of you, I have absolutely no experience in the market economy – serving customers who willingly buy my services. Instead I have made a lucrative living on the backs of people who would never pay me in a free market governed by the rule of law.
I approach this task with a clear understanding that the Congress has entrusted the Federal Reserve with great responsibilities. Its decisions affect the well-being of every American and the strength and prosperity of our nation.
One woman – affecting the well-being of every American. Is this the Virgin Mary we are talking about?
…the Federal Reserve plays a role too, promoting conditions that foster maximum employment, low and stable inflation, and a safe and sound financial system.
Maximum employment: strike one.
Low and stable inflation: strike two.
Safe and sound financial system: strike three.
Three strikes in baseball is bad. In bowling, it is good. Three strikes in Fed speak must mean “keep up the good work.”
The past six years have been challenging for our nation and difficult for many Americans. We endured the worst financial crisis and deepest recession since the Great Depression. The effects were severe, but they could have been far worse. Working together, government leaders confronted these challenges and successfully contained the crisis. Under the wise and skillful leadership of Chairman Bernanke, the Fed helped stabilize the financial system, arrest the steep fall in the economy, and restart growth.
It is never acceptable to point out that central planning was the cause of the crisis in the first place. The entire sham is an in-house operation – call it a financial false flag.
Today the economy is significantly stronger and continues to improve.
Translation: If you start the clock only at the absolutely lowest point in the economy since 1932, the economy is significantly stronger today.
We have made good progress, but we have farther to go to regain the ground lost in the crisis and the recession….For these reasons, the Federal Reserve is using its monetary policy tools to promote a more robust recovery.
Translation: Because buying the worst assets from the banks, monetizing up to half of the government deficit, and expanding the Fed’s balance sheet four-fold and counting (with no end in sight) has not been enough, we need to do even more.
What new trick does Yellen have up her sleeve? About all that is left is real helicopter money – not just over lower Manhattan but over fly-over country. Might there be a coast-to-coast fly-over trip in Yellen’s future, dropping bundles of cash along the way?
Yellen sees a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow:
A strong recovery will ultimately enable the Fed to reduce its monetary accommodation and reliance on unconventional policy tools such as asset purchases.
Translation: There is no way out of this mess, because there is no hope for a strong recovery. Heck, we have been crawling along the bottom for six years with no end in sight The Fed will never sell assets and the interventions won’t end, well, unless we are on the verge of hyper-inflation (after which will come the mother of all depressions), but since that could never happen why even bring it up?
In the past two decades, and especially under Chairman Bernanke, the Federal Reserve has provided more and clearer information about its goals. Like the Chairman, I strongly believe that monetary policy is most effective when the public understands what the Fed is trying to do and how it plans to do it.
Translation: given that the public has no idea what is it the Fed is trying to do, we have been very effective in our job. That nonsense about full employment and low inflation is for the display window. Our job is to support the large money center banks, and to ensure the government is funded. It is too bad, actually, that a growing portion of the public actually understands the true mission of the Fed.
The crisis revealed weaknesses in our financial system.
You think? I suggest, then, doing more of the same (hahaha). Yellen agrees:
I believe that financial institutions, the Federal Reserve, and our fellow regulators have made considerable progress in addressing those weaknesses. Banks are stronger today, regulatory gaps are being closed, and the financial system is more stable and more resilient.
I wonder if Yellen enjoys Chianti and fava beans when she makes a meal of these words. It will be somewhat surprising if she doesn’t get at least one opportunity on her watch to do so.
I am committed to using the Fed's supervisory and regulatory role to reduce the threat of another financial crisis.
Translation: it is a testament to how stupid or blind you all are that I can say such words, as it is because of the Fed’s supervisory and regulatory role that the country suffers one financial crisis after another.
Thank you for the opportunity to appear before you today. I would be happy to respond to your questions.
Mmmm. Hey, up here in the back. I have one: why is a government-enforced monopoly cartel bad in every area of the economy other than for money and credit?